It’s Time to End the Cycle of Self-Abandonment: How to Set Boundaries, Heal Shame, and Reclaim Your Aliveness with Vanessa Bennett

The Big Silence

What if the guilt and shame you carry as a mother or caretaker weren’t yours to begin with?

In this episode of The Big Silence, Karena Dawn sits down with Vanessa Bennett, LMFT, licensed depth therapist, and author of the new book, The Motherhood Myth

From growing up as a “parentified child” to raising her daughter with intention, Vanessa shares how generational wounds, from the “witch wound” to the “mother wound”, shape our lives in ways we may not realize. Together, they explore self-abandonment, the myth of perfection, codependency in relationships, and how to reclaim your identity through micro moments of self-choosing. Whether you’re a mother, daughter, partner, or friend, this conversation offers tangible ways to break cycles, set boundaries, and follow the breadcrumbs back to yourself.

How Do We Heal Generational Wounds Without Losing Ourselves?

Vanessa reveals how recognizing inherited patterns and our part in them is the first step to breaking free.

(00:00:22) Depth Psychology and the Path to Individuation

• Vanessa explains depth psychology as the “psychology of the soul,” focusing on the whole being and the unconscious.
• Her upbringing as a parentified child and how it shaped her initial decision not to have children.
• The importance of holding your upbringing objectively to heal. “They're not all bad. And also, they're not all good.”

(00:06:11) The Trinity Wound: Witch, Sister, and Mother

• The witch wound: epigenetic trauma silencing women’s power, sexuality, and individuality.
• The sister wound: competition among women fueled by scarcity thinking.
• The mother wound: how women unconsciously uphold patriarchy and pass down harmful narratives.
• Why ending these cycles starts with self-awareness and modeling change for the next generation.

(00:12:30) Self-Abandonment, Guilt, and Rebuilding Your Sense of Self

• Guilt and shame are by design. They are tools of societal control, not signs you’re broken.
• Accept guilt as part of the process, then act anyway.
• Use “micro moments” (like saying no when you mean it) as bricks in the foundation of self-trust.
• Following breadcrumbs: orienting toward what makes you feel alive, even if it’s small or scary.

(00:22:09) Codependency, Resentment, and Healthy Boundaries

• We live in a codependent culture that teaches us to outsource our emotional regulation.
• Resentment as a diagnostic tool: a signal that a boundary is being crossed or unspoken.
• Attachment styles are fluid and change depending on the relationship dynamic.
• The link between resentment and projection and how awareness can stop the cycle.
• Why attraction often fades when relationships take on a parental dynamic, and how both partners can reclaim responsibility for their own happiness.

(00:32:50) Friendships, Attachment Styles, and Communication

• Vanessa and her co-host model conflict resolution through a commitment to talk about issues openly.
• The cultural trap of expecting a partner to “reparent” us and why it can kill romantic attraction.
• Building safety without losing mystery or eros in long-term relationships.

(00:40:17) Therapy, Accessibility, and the Power of Group Work

• Why therapists need therapists, and the stigma that still exists around seeking help.
• Alternative paths to healing: coaches, low-cost group programs, and community support.
• Vanessa’s Inner Compass Collective: a “class pass” of wellness with multiple therapists, coaches, and modalities.

(00:46:25) Breaking Shame with Conversation

• Group work and shared experiences dissolve the isolation of shame.
• Why talking openly about mental health creates collective healing.
• Vanessa’s call to reject constructed shame and choose to live without it.

Thanks for the support from our partners:

Let our sponsor BetterHelp connect you to a therapist who can support you - all from the comfort of your own home. Visit https://betterhelp.com/thebigsilence and enjoy a special discount on your first month.If you have any questions about the brand relating to how the therapists are licensed, their privacy policy, or therapist compensation model, check out this FAQ: https://www.betterhelp.com/your-questions-answered/

Have a message for Karena? She'd love to hear from you and share your comment or question on air!

Leave Karena a voicemail: https://www.speakpipe.com/KarenaDawn

Guest Resources

• Follow Vanessa on Instagram
• Check out her website
• Join: The Inner Compass Collective
• Order: The Motherhood Myth
• Listen: Cheaper Than Therapy the Podcast

If this episode moved you, please consider supporting The Big Silence Foundation and exploring our resources:

Connect with The Big Silence Community

• Order: The Big Silence Memoir audiobook
• Shop The Big Silence Self Love Collection
• Subscribe on YouTube
• Donate to The Big Silence Foundation

Mentioned in this episode:

Let our sponsor BetterHelp connect you to a therapist who can support you - all from the comfort of your own home. Visit betterhelp.com/thebigsilence and enjoy a special discount on your first month.
If you have any questions about the brand relating to how the therapists are licensed, their privacy policy, or therapist compensation model, check out this FAQ: betterhelp.com/your-questions-answered.