192. Grieving someone who's still alive, and 3 tips to better manage it: Replay

Aging in Style with Lori Williams

How can I cope when I’m grieving someone who is still alive?

You always hear about grief when someone has died – but what about if they’re still alive?

This is a scenario commonly experienced when a loved one suffers an accident or stroke, or has been given a life-changing diagnosis such as Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s. You grieve who they were and the life you once had. The 5 stages of grief are the same as if someone died: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For me, I was accustomed to counseling people whose loved one’s life changed – but living on the other side of it has been quite different. In this episode, I'll be sharing my experience with these stages in the months after my husband had a stroke on Christmas.

Instead of “checking” each stage off the list, I've cycled through some stages multiple times, with them lessening in intensity over time. I've even found myself missing the little things, like my husband’s quirks and “annoying” habits.

To manage grief, she suggests 3 tips:

1. Let it out: Talk to a therapist or trusted friend / family member. Scream in the car if you need to, or journal your feelings. Just don’t keep the feelings trapped inside.

2. Don’t get stuck: It’s okay to spend time in each stage of grief. The problem is when you can’t move past a stage and your body hangs on to the emotions. It’s not good for you. Life will look different moving forward, but you can’t dwell on the past and what “should have been.”

3. Find support: There are many support groups online, like on Facebook, along with resources such as the Alzheimer’s Association. Find what works best for you because you can’t do it alone. You’ll discover many people are living your same experiences.

It’s also important to remember you have to take care of yourself. Whether that’s a massage or taking a daily walk, find a way to give back to yourself and take a break. Plus, give yourself grace if you need additional support. You have to do what’s best and safest for all involved, and it’s okay to ask for help.

To manage grief, here are my 3 tips:

1. Let it out: Talk to a therapist or trusted friend / family member. Scream in the car if you need to, or journal your feelings. Just don’t keep the feelings trapped inside.

2. Don’t get stuck: It’s okay to spend time in each stage of grief. The problem is when you can’t move past a stage and your body hangs on to the emotions. It’s not good for you. Life will look different moving forward, but you can’t dwell on the past and what “should have been.”

3. Find support: There are many support groups online, like on Facebook, along with resources such as the Alzheimer’s Association. Find what works best for you because you can’t do it alone. You’ll discover many people are living your same experiences.

It’s also important to remember you have to take care of yourself. Whether that’s a massage or taking a daily walk, find a way to give back to yourself and take a break. Plus, give yourself grace if you need additional support. You have to do what’s best and safest for all involved, and it’s okay to ask for help.

Topics discussed:

1. The 5 stages of grief
2. Alzheimer’s
3. Parkinson’s
4. Dementia
5. Strokes
6. Traumatic brain injuries
7. Caregiver support
8. Coping with grief
9. Journaling
10. Self-care

Takeaways from this episode:

1. It’s okay to grieve when a loved one’s life has changed for the worst. Give yourself time and grace to feel everything. Just make sure you’re processing those feelings so you don’t get stuck.
2. You may not experience each stage of grief only once. Sometimes you cycle through them multiple times and spend more time in some stages than others.
3. Get those feelings of grief and anger out of your system. Scream or cry to a friend you trust; what you’re going through is traumatic and it’s okay to acknowledge it sucks.
4. Recognize you have no control over life. It’s the hand you’ve been dealt, so you can’t live in the past – it’s time make your new path.
5. If you’re feeling stuck, see a therapist, talk to someone you trust, or consider medication to help with anxiety and depression.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Get my new book, 'Surrounded by Love: One's Family Journey Through Stroke Recovery': https://loriwilliams-seniorservices.com/book

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129. Things to consider when a life-changing illness or accident takes place

https://www.loriwilliams-seniorservices.com/aging-in-style-podcast/episode/2c050e6a/129-things-to-consider-when-a-life-changing-illness-or-accident-changes-life-as-you-know-it

126. Paperwork you'll need in a medical emergency: get that binder ready

https://www.loriwilliams-seniorservices.com/aging-in-style-podcast/episode/2a105359/126-paperwork-youll-need-in-a-medical-emergency-get-that-binder-ready

106. 10 Strategies to combat caregiver stress

https://www.loriwilliams-seniorservices.com/aging-in-style-podcast/episode/2cfd4867/106-10-strategies-to-combat-caregiver-stress

Mentioned in this episode:

Surrounded by Love

You can find my book, "Surrounded by Love: One Family’s Journey Through Stroke Recovery," on Amazon. It is available as a Kindle, hardcover, paperback, and also on Audible. More details can be found on my website: https://loriwilliams-seniorservices.com/book