A 30-Year-Old Note

Wisdom of the Wounded

When Ginger and I collected wisdom stories for our first book, The Compassionate Congregation, we asked individuals to (1) Describe a time when they suffered or grieved, and (2) What did people say or do which helped you during that difficult time?

During our interviews, man in his forties man told me, “A really difficult time was when my dad died. At the visitation and funeral, lots of people hugged and talked to my mom, and I just stood by myself feeling sad and lonely. During that horrible time, my mom received lots of cards, flowers, and visits; however, only one person reached out to me with a little note.” Then he took out his billfold and unfolded a small piece of weathered paper which said: “I am so sorry about your dad’s death. You must be so sad. Thinking of you.”

My interview subject paused briefly, then he continued, “That was 30 years ago, and I kept this note to remind myself that children grieve too.” 30 years! Just imagine—a friend invests perhaps two minutes to jot down a note of condolence—and those words of comfort end up traveling for years with the bereaved.

Jeff Munroe, author of Telling Stories in the Dark, Finding Healing and Hope in Sharing our Sadness, Grief, Trauma, and Pain, reiterates this man’s message. Jeff writes, “One of the most important things people who want to help a friend after the loss of a spouse can do is reach out to their friend’s children. Ask how they’re doing. Be their friend. The lack of that adds to the grief.”

So, if you know a young person whose recently suffered a loss, please consider reaching out to them. You could write them a note using my “3 R-s” note-writing formula. Like the 40-year-old man from our interviews, the youngster will certainly remember the kindness, perhaps for decades to come.
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