Season 1, Episode 71: Bubbles the Colectomy Clown Woks the Dog

The Hate Napkin

EPISODE 71 SYNOPSIS

Bubbles the Colectomy Clown Woks the Dog

Just remember: We’re professional haters. Don’t try this at home.

Also, we might be “sniggling, small, solace-less creatures,” but we’re the experts you come to in a loathing pinch. Then again, some listeners are a little less than satisfied with the services we offer. “If I saw you in person, I would slap your vain, self-absorbed faces. F off and die, you complete and total—!”

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is quick to note that at least you can’t attach a pipe bomb to fan mail.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali gets us back on track with a happy memory, of sorts. A few years back, when his dear madre had her colon removed, he hired Bubbles the Clown to show up in the hospital and hand out colorectal balloons to all the patients on the floor. Folks, hate or love, it’s all in the delivery.

Speaking of colons… Co-host Arik has a beef with the English language: “People need to stop using the word FOR so loosely.” He points to a local hospital butterfly release event “FOR” colon cancer. “Why can’t we just say butterflies AGAINST colon cancer. And I have to wonder about holding insects against their will so that their beauty can bring awareness to a diseased human orifice.”

Also, it’s Pauly’s birthday. He’s sick and tired of birthday cake. “It’s cake FOR colon cancer. And I don’t want anal cancer for my birthday, thank you. Honestly, can’t we think of anything better to stick a lit candle in to celebrate me?”

Eventually, Team THN gets to the heart of the matter. Here’s the deal. It’s SOMEONE ELSE’S birthday. So why not ask Diabetic Dan if there’s a treat he would like to celebrate this special moment that won’t land him in a hospital with Bubbles the Colectomy Clown trying to extract a lodestone of icing from his GI tract.

Finally, Arik ponders the mysteries of modern medicine. “Isn’t the colon a hole? I mean, how does one remove a hole?”

Carla heads online: “Here, I found a YouTube DIY video. Apparently all you need is some balloons, heavy cream and a world-class health insurance plan.”

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