Season 1, Episode 67: Getting Our Goose While Smothered in Pussy, Plus Fowl Taints

The Hate Napkin

The show begins with co-host Arik being smothered by a pussy. Then special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, lets us know she “no habla b@llshit.” Plus, sound engineer Pauly from Bali gives us a live demonstration of motorboating.

Where can we go from there? Up, up, up! North to Canadia!

Canada has a reputation for niceness, but it seems to have balled up all of its wickedness in one single, annoying fowl creature: the Goose of its namesake.

“As it turns out, Canadian geese and people have a lot in common. They’re obstinate, they won’t go away, they crap on everything, they’re mean, they’re bullies. And you could drive your car right through a flock of them, and they’ll just stand there, ‘I dare you, motherf@cker. The feds are on our side.’”

Which is all fine and good. But now we can all hate Arik for providing a detailed natural history of the damn species. HONK! HONK! HONK! SHUT UP!

Next, Carla’s work van was recently stolen. Well, the police located the vehicle, so Carla headed down to the impound lot to get it back. Turns out, the white female perp who stole the vehicle got off scot-free, as she claims that Carla let her have the vehicle. The police just shrugged their shoulders: “It’s a she said versus she said situation.”

Carla: “So, I get the van back, and it looks like Arik’s geese have had an orgy in it. Laundry. Trash. Food everywhere. The panels and console are ripped off. I drive it to the office, and along the way, it occurs to me that I could possibly get in trouble if I get pulled over and an officer happens to discover all the drug paraphernalia sitting in the passenger seat.”

Way to go, coppers, for not noticing the pot buds and crack pipes when you arrested the grand auto thief! Thank God there’s no such thing as white privilege down in Burnt Korn!

Also: “That’s Hispanic-Latino! You have no idea if that hand is actually from Mexico!” Tune in to find out more.

And, finally: nothing “taints” an episode worse than Pauly.

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