Season 1, Episode 51: Relaxing Sphincters, Ass Wedging & Lying Teenagers

The Hate Napkin

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, recent recipient of the First Annual Hatey Awards, kicks off the show: “Again, I’m truly honored. Now let’s just get out there and love people with a big ol’ heaping helping of hate.”

Co-host Arik agrees: “Except for Lotto Man. I f@cking despise Lotto Man.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali serves up smartphone hate on a plate, and it bytes! What the hell is with all this bloatware! A person has to become a full-blown computer programmer to remove all the unwanted, pre-installed apps that take up endless space on one’s phone—not to mention supposed “anti-spy” programs that actually track key movements.

Arik throws up his arms. “Listen, if Big Brother wants to know whether I like to eat ass, or if I don’t like hirsute women, what the hell do I care?”

Carla takes notes so she can sell Arik’s info to Google. “So, salad tossing, good. Hairy pits, bad.”

Next, Carla unearths a vein of pure, golden hate: lazy teenagers who lie. It would appear that Cletus is in the doghouse this week—which is convenient, given Gus the Wonder Hound’s recent departure for the canine afterlife. Once upon a time, children were scared to death to lie to their parents. Now, serial lying is a foundation for a future career as a CEO or politician. (Jeez, remove heavy beatings from the home, and look what happens.)

Pauly presents some cultural hate du jour: toilets that are installed too close to walls. “Everywhere I go in Asia, the toilet is right up against the wall! You can’t spread your legs wide enough to relax and let number two do its thing!” Arik foresees that without relaxing sphincters, the world may soon face a Hemorrhoid Pandemic! Carla concurs: for the sake of hygiene, no more ass wedging!

Thus begin The Great Toilet Tales of 2022, from Arik’s basement children’s toilet (the revenge of a contractor who was mad to be given one-ply TP during a major project), to Carla’s mysterious toilet-in-the-middle-of-the-room-with-no-walls basement.

Folks, we often promise the anals of hate. This time, we deliver.

FLUSH!

--- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/thehatenapkin/support