118: Reclaiming Life: Lessons from a Gray Divorce Survivor with Pat Fenner

Take Back Retirement

"What I really was grieving was the loss of what I'd hoped my marriage would have been." – Pat Fenner

Our hosts, Stephanie McCullough and Kevin Gaines, sit down with author and podcaster Pat Fenner, who shares her powerful journey through "gray divorce"—divorce that happens to women over 50, typically after a decade or more of marriage.

After 37 years of marriage, Pat found herself having to start over at an age when most couples are planning retirement together. Her story brings to light the unique challenges facing women in gray divorce, from employment gaps that make renting an apartment nearly impossible to the crushing blow to self-worth that comes with feeling "unemployable" after decades focused on family.

Pat's transformation from feeling like she'd "end up being a greeter at Walmart" to building a successful podcast production business offers hope and practical wisdom. Her journey highlights hidden skills many women possess but don't recognize—skills developed through years of unpaid but invaluable work managing households, raising children, and caring for aging parents.

Perhaps most powerfully, Pat discusses reclaiming her identity and becoming what she calls the family "matriarch,” which is not someone who controls, but someone who serves by sharing hard-won wisdom. Her advice to women in similar situations is to take inventory of your skills, involve yourself in family finances before you have to, and remember that "being a grown ass woman" isn't selfish. It’s actually inspiring!

Key Topics

• “What the Heck is Gray Divorce?” (03:46)
• Employment and Housing Challenges (05:44)
• The Emotional Toll and Self-Image Impact (06:17)
• Discovering Hidden Skills and New Purpose (18:59)
• Overcoming Financial Shame (22:58)
• Redefining Retirement Goals (25:17)
• Embracing the Role of Matriarch (31:20)
• Stephanie and Kevin's WrapUp (35:49)

Resources:

• ReBuilding Your Life After a Gray Divorce (book)
• Pat Fenner Website
• Pat Fenner Gray Resources
• Silver Women with a Bright Future Podcast

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You can find the transcript and more information about this episode at www.takebackretirement.com.

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