37. The Mystery Bag of Ashes by My Bathroom Garbage

Sneeze! with James Whittingham

James is tormented by his wife leaving a bag of ashes by the bathroom garbage. She can't get rid of it because she doesn't know who it is. Also, people with books in their bathrooms don't make any sense to James. And headlines involving semen sniffing dogs and disputes over urine.

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Transcript of this episode:

Oh, so you thought you'd listen to a podcast.

Well, good for you.

Aren't you special, you stupid fuck.

God, you're stupid.

You could be doing anything thing right now, but you're listening to a podcast.

What makes you so special that you think that you could listen to a podcast and not do other important things in life? Like livid? No, you're listening to a you might as well be on TikTok or something.

But you're listening to a podcast, which is more in depth than intellectual, isn't it? In my bathroom, friends.

In my bathroom, my upstairs bathroom, my main bathroom, my shedding bathroom.

The bathroom with my beloved bidet.

There is a garbage can, a large white plastic bin, rectangular, narrow wedge between the door and the wall.

And a little space there that's good for putting trash.

It's got a bag in it and that's what I look at when I shit.

Now, I'm not one of these people who doesn't know when to go into the shit.

I know when my body is ready.

I don't go in there and read a fucking book, okay? I don't understand people who do that.

It makes no sense to me.

I go to washrooms and I see books and I think, what the fuck are you doing? How much of your life are you spending trying to get out of shit? I mean, are you constipated? If you're constipated, do something about it.

Increase your fiber, increase your water intake, but don't read a fucking book on the shitter with your pants on the floor and your deck hanging out.

I don't understand people like that.

And there's a lot of people like that.

A lot of bathrooms you go to, people that have books in them.

Makes no sense to me.

Why? How? I think the bigger question is how can you sit there like an idiot reading a book, hoping that the shit will just fucking come? What's wrong with you? I never go in unless my body is ready.

My bowels will start moving and I think, damn it.

Yes.

Now I'm old, I'm mid fifty, s, and I'm very blessed with good bowels.

My bowels.

I've had several colonoscopies come up clean so far.

Knock on wood, knock on stool.

But I worry that one day I won't be so lucky.

But right now I am, and I always have been.

I know when my balls are ready.

I get up in the morning and as soon as I wake up, my barrels wake up and they say, hey, James is up.

Let's get going.

I go to the bathroom, it comes out, I spray it for ten minutes, give myself a bit of an enemy if I need to.

With the bidet, it comes right back to you.

Why not clean the inside? It's cleaning the outside.

You might as well give yourself an enema and just get everything squeaky clean.

There's a problem there, though.

If you forget about it.

You forget that it gave you an enema, and you go about your day.

Then you have diarrhea.

That's an issue.

It's a risk you take by going too far with your bidet.

And I know I check out my bidet episode.

I give you full tutorial on how to use a bidet.

And it is in depth and very real, so don't be eating anything when you listen to it.

But anyway, I go to the bathroom there, so I'm not spending a lot of time, but I spent enough time there enjoying the bidet spray, which is warm.

And I noticed there's this bag on the floor.

I don't know, it's like a cellophane, like a bag you would have in the supermarket to put a few bananas in or something or some salary.

This clear little bag on the floor wrapped up, and there's ashes in it.

It seems to be ashes.

It is ashes.

Because I asked my wife, I said, what is it that's ashes? And I said, who's ashes? And she says, I don't know.

So we have this bag of ashes that my wife can't throw out.

So she's placed on the bathroom floor by the garbage, but not in the garbage because she doesn't know whose ashes they are.

Now, there's not that many options, okay? She's had her parents die.

Does she remember saving the ashes for her parents? No, they were scattered.

Does she save a little extra for something else? Who knows? We had a cat cremated once.

Yes, you could do that.

And we buried the cat by the tree.

I don't remember saving any ashes for its favorite hunting ground or anything like that.

So whose ashes are they? Where else would you get ashes from that you would keep? You know, no one collects ashes in a little plastic bag that's unmarked.

So every morning I'm shitting, and I have to stare at that bag wondering, who is that who's shitting here with me? Who's here in the toilet? Is it a grandfather of my children? A grandmother? Is it a cat? Is it just ashes from somebody else that just showed up at our front door? Who is this person? And how more of it is this? I wanted a shit in peace.

And furthermore, pleasure.

Peace and pleasure on the toilet.

Yes, when things go well, and I don't mean to brag, because I know that everybody can shit, okay? Some people fuckers.

You're so simple, you don't know how to shit.

That's fine.

You just got to train your body.

Now, I lead a life of not excessive work, and I'm around a lot, and I have freedom to shit when I need to.

So I've trained my body.

There's one thing that I tell my young friends, always get enough sleep and train your body to shit on time.

This is a problem.

If you work night shifts and different shifts, I can't even imagine your problems for those people to do that.

But if you are a person whose body just says, hey, James is awake, let's get things going.

And you can feel it.

You sit down, it comes out, you flush, you spray, you look at the bag on the floor wondering, whose uncle is that? Who am I looking at? Can you look at the ashes and tell who it is? Can you just get a sense of who it is? And where do you spread them? She's not going to throw them in the garbage.

That's the issue.

She's not going to throw the ashes out.

Do they need to be thrown out? Yes, I would just throw them out into the landfill with everything else.

I mean, I've left enough of myself in the landfill, right? And the sewer system.

More of the sewer system than the landfill.

But look, if you blow your nose, part of you goes to the landfill and eventually turns into ashes.

Your snot will eventually turn into dust, okay? And it will grow a plant at the landfill.

The garbage dump right beside a washing machine.

A little blade of grass will come up from your snot rag because you blew your nose once.

So it's not a big deal.

At the very least, I would take it out to the nearest gopher hole, which we live by a field adjacent to a field.

So I would just take it out there and dump it in the gopher hole, which isn't far away.

They like to come close, just dump it in there and let the gophers deal with it.

Just get rid of it.

If there's more of it, it's the gross and it's I don't want to be shitting.

This could throw off my whole shit schedule.

Something disruptive and upsetting like this.

There are so many people.

It could be so many animals, so many things.

But it's ashes.

What else could it be? It's not like if you collect ashes from, like, a science fair or I don't know if anyone is missing any ashes.

I could put an ad in the newspaper, missing ashes.

Are you missing a relative? It could be yours.

I bet I get a lot of calls.

It's not a lot.

I mean, it's an ounce.

It's a few grams.

Maybe it's a pot that I forgot about and turned into ash.

No, I don't smoke pot.

I'd never do something like that.

I don't know.

Of course.

The toilet is right there.

Do you flush it down the toilet? Is it disrespectful? Is it disrespectful? Okay, if I'm dead and you find a bag of my ashes, I don't care if it's a tiny bag like this one or a fullfledged Hefty bag full of James, feel free to flush it down the fucking toilet.

It just makes no difference to me whatsoever.

You're not really spreading me in anywhere significant.

Okay, my treat.

I planted my cat on her.

Didn't do any better because the cat was there.

And it has no personality.

It is never meows.

It never does anything that resembles my cat in any way.

And my cat's gone.

I wish it wasn't, but it is.

Relatives are gone.

I wish they weren't, but they are.

So flush my fucking bag down the toilet.

As long as it doesn't clog.

Okay? I wouldn't want you to hurt something or just we live in a very windy place here.

Just be downwind from it.

Just let it rip.

Let it blow.

I'll be spread everywhere then.

But don't wonder what you should do with me if I'm dead, okay? Nobody cares.

You don't care.

I don't care.

Most of all the people who are dead don't care.

It's not only because I can't care, it's because I wouldn't care.

It's the living who have all this guilt and bullshit and stuff.

And let's open up Facebook message here because did I see a message from that fucker in Germany again? Sent me another message.

There it is.

Christian in Germany.

No.

You hate that.

I know.

James, get off your ass.

Record another sneeze.

I thought we had an unwritten rule now that every time I send you a message you get in front of the microphone and record.

I guess I was wrong.

I thought you weren't going to send me any more fucking messages.

Christian Clemq of Deutsche Land, is it? Deutschland, where are you? I don't care.

Don't send me another fucking message telling me they record another podcast.

Don't do it.

When I'm good and ready.

Anyone else can send me a message [e-mail].

Sneezhow.

No sneeze.

Speakfight.com.

Sneeze.

That is your online voicemail center.

Okay? That's where I live.

Now let's do what we do, OK? On this podcast.

I don't really have anything to talk about.

I could talk about shaving my balls.

I'm not going to though, okay.

Because I don't think you should shave your balls.

It seems very scary to me to take a razor blade over your balls with shaving cream or not.

I know it's skin like any other skin, but there's irregularities.

And what happens if something goes wrong? What happens if you split it open and it gets infected and blows up like a basketball? Don't shave your balls.

Get them removed with lasers.

Lasers on your balls, I'm sure.

Find a dominatrix with a laser, OK? And just go to her and say, can you punish me for a bit and remove the wax? Just laser off my hair so I don't have to shave it.

Because, you know the kids these days, clean shaven, it's a problem.

Yes, I know.

Middle aged divorced people are back into the sex scene and they got to do things that they never used to do in the people.

They wore their hair with pride back then.

So now we're going to Google urine because this is what we do.

We do a Google News search of urine and see what happens, just to see what stories are out there.

So a man arrested in DC after allegedly pouring a gallon of urine on a woman.

Times of Malta.

I know you have a subscription.

It says here.

This is a quick search of Google News and urine.

This is something we do here on the show because I have to talk about something.

It just seems like, why not? Argument over urine ends with a beating in maxar.

Accused gets a two year jail term, suspended for four.

I don't know what that means.

An argument between two men over urine ended with a beating and saw the aggressor getting a two year jail term.

He testified that he used to find urine near his garage and had always suspected that the accused, this other guy, was to blame, so he approached him, but the accused said he did not care.

I mean, if you're pissing, if you're just leaving you're pissed by somebody's house, you don't care.

Obviously you don't care.

I told the court that after the accused spat on the ground whenever he saw him.

That's very insulting behavior.

I'm so glad nobody does that to me.

Your garbage, he said the other day, the incident, you'd see the accused wife and asked her to be left alone, but the accused visited him at home later.

As soon as he opened the door, he spat at him.

He's just really reckless with the bodily fluids.

He realized that the guy was going to punch him, so he punched him first.

And that's always a good thing to do with urine, people hitting the cues in the face.

He then threw the other guy on the ground, hit him with his safety shoes, leaving him with a permanent disability.

Another urine story of the news that ends up in a very sad way.

Yeah.

Dispute over urine, proving once again human beings are flawed, stupid, and just bad shit crazy as a whole.

Just bad shit crazy.

Yeah.

Dr.

Oz apparently considers himself something of a piece ofelier this is interesting.

This is good stuff right here.

Because Dr.

Oz is running for office and the world is going to end if people like him get in.

Dr.

Mendel Oz once claimed that in medical schools forced restrictive doctors to drink human urine as part of their training.

I don't think so.

In an old year interview with late night host Jimmy Kibbell that resurfaced over the weekend, the GOPs Senate nominee in Pennsylvania elaborated on a seemingly lifelong personal fascination with all things be.

This is just gross.

Why America? Why do you do stupid things like elect people like him? Why do you admire people like him? In a clip from his own show that he shared by left leaning Twitter account patriot takes anything with the word patriot.

And it isn't left leaning usually, but okay.

Oz was shown telling the audience member that urine has a nutty scent if you haven't had anything fancy.

Okay, well, my stomach is going, so I'm going to stop there.

Okay, let's see this.

If we could I don't know, what else should we Google the news? How about semen? Semen sniffing dog joins UK Police Department with a high school with someone like that.

Let's see what it says here.

It's for the dog time website.

Get your latest dog news at dog TIME.com.

So, yeah, UK Police Department recently brought on a semen sniffing dog.

The dog unit recently welcomed April, a beautiful golden Labrador retriever, to help with sexual assault cases.

Fascinatingly.

April can detect immensely small amounts of Sebino fluid.

I don't want to meet this dog because I've got seminal fluid everywhere.

You know what, it's in your testicles, it's in your ass, it's in your prostate, it's in your penis.

Men are covered with semen on the best case scenario, and if she can detect small amounts of it, dogs can smell so well.

And how did she get trained? I ask who trains this dog? What kind of a pervert owner is training this police dog to detect semen? So she can detect as little as .016 ML or .005 fluid ounces of semen, which is just a fraction of an Ejaculation.

There, I said it.

Somebody had to say it.

You were thinking it.

You're going to think it.

I said it.

He was the only dog in the country with his incredible skill.

If I had a dog billy also retired and lives a calm, happy life with his new forever home.

Yeah, but masturbate and see what happens.

Okay.

His work laid the foundation for training other dogs.

What does seban prove? Okay, I'm all for solving sexual assault cases, but if I was walking down the street and there was a sexual assault nearby, and the sexual assault seamless missing sniffing dog come sniffing, evil smells even on me.

It's inevitable.

I'm probably dripping it right now in small quantities.

You know, men are seeming producing machines.

That's basically all we do.

That's all we're for just making semen.

You know, we don't birth babies, we don't raise children.

Generally speaking, we should.

We don't do fuck.

All we do is make semen, and it makes us miserable, angry, competitive, dickish human beings.

This whole semen business and the testosterone that goes through it.

So, yeah, everybody's going to have semen and, you know, women are going to have semen, too.

Sexually active or not.

Semen is everywhere.

You're sitting on it right now.

Get up, get up off your chair.

Look down.

There's a bit of semen.

Trust me, it's everywhere and you can't avoid it.

I wouldn't want my food tested because there's probably semen in it.

Cow semen, bull semen.

You know, cows don't have semen, bulls do.

Goats, squirrels.

I saw a squirrel cross the road today.

You think that thing doesn't have Stephen point out of it.

It does.

You learn a lot on my podcast.

You know these things.

But they come out.

You get educated.

You think? Oh, yeah.

You're right, James.

You're right.

Everywhere, Siemens.

Everywhere.

Say, what the fuck away from my laptop, you stupid dog.

Next time, people, I will be back.

And I don't need a fucking voicemail anybody in Germany to tell me to make a podcast.