Encore Episode: Practicing Loneliness with Dan

The AfterMeth: Gay Men Recovering from Crystal Methamphetamine Addiction

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In this powerful episode of the Aftermeth Podcast, host Dr. Dallas Bragg interviews Dan, a 54-year-old man from New York City who has been sober from crystal meth for over five years. Dan shares his journey from being a high-functioning VP who maintained his career while secretly using meth in workplace bathroom stalls to eventually seeking help through an outpatient program at NYC's LGBT center. Despite appearing successful on paper, Dan describes feeling trapped in a "dark labyrinth," wandering through life while battling internal emptiness and using substances to numb overwhelming emotions he couldn't understand or articulate.

The conversation delves deep into Dan's discovery of why he used drugs—primarily his inability to process emotions and cope with feelings, particularly loneliness. Growing up in rural Ohio in an evangelical Christian household that discouraged emotional expression, Dan never learned healthy coping mechanisms. His addiction served as a way to avoid the terrifying experience of feeling vulnerable emotions. Through therapy and his recovery program, Dan developed emotional vocabulary and learned to observe his thoughts rather than being consumed by them, transforming his relationship with difficult feelings like loneliness from something to escape into something he could sit with and move through.

Dan's story offers hope for others struggling with similar challenges, particularly around rebuilding intimate relationships and sexual experiences in sobriety. After initially fearing he had "broken" himself, Dan successfully navigated sober sex and relationships through open communication and vulnerability with partners. He emphasizes the importance of building sober friendships through programs like Crystal Meth Anonymous, developing spiritual practices focused on present-moment awareness, and reading transformative books like "Man's Search for Meaning" and "The Power of Now." His journey illustrates that recovery is possible even for high-functioning addicts who maintain external success while battling internal darkness.

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