You can pick your friends but not your relatives // Dealing with Difficult People, Part 3

Christianityworks Official Podcast

No doubt you’ve heard the saying – you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your relatives. So – what do you do, when the people you’re closest to turn out to be amongst the most difficult to deal with?

We’re All Different

The first thing we notice when we look around at other people is that we are all different, aren‘t we? In a room of just ten people, even if two people are identical twins, we look around and we are all different. Even identical twins grow up emotionally quite different and they have different finger prints. So those differences are wonderful. That means you can do things that I can’t do and I can do things that you can’t do.

But sometimes those differences can really grate on us. You know, Jacqui, my wife, and I are really quite different. We can be lying in bed at night and I’ve got the ceiling fan on and she’s got her electric blanket on. And when we get close to people, those differences, well, you know, they can grate a little bit if we allow them to.

My strengths have a flip side to the coin, they have weaknesses underneath, and your strengths - the things that you are particularly good at, well, there’s a flip side to those. The under side of those can sometimes rub other people the wrong way. We all are a bundle (as I like to say) of strengths and weaknesses. Our own blubbering mass, if you like, of really good things we can do and the things where we aren’t so strong, where maybe we fall short. And in the daily grind, in the pressures and the conflict, those different personality types are hard to deal with.

The psychologists say there are kind of four personality types - the sanguine, the bubbly, fun loving type - the choleric, the organised, decision maker - the melancholic, the temperamental, creative - and the phlegmatic, the peace loving, kind of ‘hippy’ - and you and I, we’re all kind of a blend of one or two of those, I guess.

That’s ok, because people that are at a distance, that’s not so hard to deal with, but let’s look across our families at the moment - our immediate families and our extended families and what we know is, those differences in a family situation - in our homes, in the places we go to rest and relax and recuperate and be recharged - in those places, those differences can be painful and annoying. You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your relatives.|

Even husband and wife, as they get to know each other - I mean, of course, we can pick our husbands and wives but once we get to know each others weaknesses, once the relationship develops and the marriage goes on for a few years, it’s easy to get to the point and say, “oh, why did I pick her, or why did I pick him?” Is anyone compatible really? We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We all know we’ve got mistakes, we all know we’ve got rough under-bellies that, you know, don’t quite measure up.

We are in the middle of a series called, ‘Dealing with Difficult People’ and today we are going to look at dealing with the difficult people in our families - the people who are closest to us.

The Bible says we should love people, the question is: How? How do we love people? It’s not enough to know that we should love difficult people in our families but it’s important to know how to love those difficult people, because how we love them will make a huge difference to our lives and in fact, the lives of all of those people who are close to us. And I guess I talk not only about our family, but people whom we work closely with. The ones that are really close to us are the ones - well, we can hurt them the most and they can hurt us the most. The more important that person is to us, the more they can hurt us because we open ourselves up; we expose ourselves.

So I like to start reading in First Peter, which is right towards the end of the New Testament - First Peter chapter 2 beginning at verse 18, right through to chapter 3.

You, who are servants, be good servants to your masters, not just to good masters, but bad ones too. What counts, is that you put up with it for God’s sake when you are treated badly for no good reason. You know, there’s no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve but if you are treated badly for good behaviour and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that’s what counts with God. This is the kind of life you’ve been invited to. The kind of life Jesus lived.

He suffered everything that came His way so that you would know that it could be done and also how to do it, step by step. He never did one thing wrong, not one thing did He say that was amiss. They called Him every name in the book and He said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used His servant body to carry our sins to the cross so that we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep - you had no idea who you were or where you were, now you are named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls.

The same goes for you wives, be wives to your husbands - good wives - responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to the words of God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty; by your inner beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance - not the styling of your hair or the jewellery you wear or the cut of your clothes but your inner beauty.

Cultivate that inner beauty, that gentle gracious kind that delights God. The holy women of old were beautiful before God because they were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as my dear husband. You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same - un-anxious and unintimidated.

The same goes for you husbands. Be good husbands to your wives. Honour them, delight in them. As women, they might lack some of your advantages, but in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives then as equals so that your prayers don’t run aground.

Isn’t that a fabulous passage that talks about the suffering of a slave, the suffering of Jesus and how we can read that into our own family lives? In the same way, Jesus suffered for us; we should sacrifice for the people around us. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. Our natural tendency is to tell people exactly what’s wrong with them. You know, we spit anger out of our mouths. Jesus suffered silently. Does it help when we spit anger out of our mouths? Well, all things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. I might have a right to say what I say, but I could be just making things worse.

Jesus suffered - by His wounds we have been healed. What a perverse plan from God? Suffering brings salvation! “Now”, writes Peter, “Now wives in the same way, using that same example of Jesus, be a good wife to your unbelieving husband.” Does nagging help? Does telling him he’s lousy help? Does being a one-woman home improvement committee help? Let’s come and have a look at that next.

Practical Sacrifice

Well, let me ask you wives, does it help when you nag your husbands? Or is it better to trust God - is it better to suffer quietly? Because God will do stuff and your husband will eventually notice because your husband delights in your inner beauty. Look at the words of Peter again in chapter 3 beginning at verse 1:

The same goes for you wives. Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who mightn’t believe in God but they will be captivated by your life of holy beauty; your inner disposition. Cultivate that inner beauty, that gentle gracious kind in which God delights.

I’ll tell you, I’m a husband and I can really relate to that. I’ve a wonderful wife, in Jacqui, and it’s that inner beauty that really brings joy to my life. We need to get a revelation, wives, please get a revelation! You cannot change your husband. You or I cannot change any person. The only person who can change them is God and in fact, the closer we are to someone the harder it is to say things that will get them to change because we can say it to them over and over and over again, because we’re close, it becomes nagging and people shut off, especially, let me say, men shut off from that.

Let me ask you, how big is your God, wives? Will you be content to let Him set things right in your marriage, if there are things not quite right? And in the meantime cultivate an inner beauty - the lasting beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in God’s sight. This is about doing something or letting God do something inside of you when life is maybe not that easy - when the relationship between husband and wife is maybe not that good. Same as Jesus; back in the verses just before, towards the end of First Peter chapter 2 - He was the Son of God yet He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. Are we content to let God set things right?

I know a couple, neither of them believes in Jesus. They have a boat and a pool and a four wheel drive and an expensive car and there’s gambling and alcohol involved and they are miserable - let me say this very specifically - they are miserable as all hell. It’s not those external things that bring joy, it’s the things that happen on the inside. Other people or things are not what bring us joy, it’s the inner peace and the relationship with God and a wonderful time to cultivate that is right in the middle of when things are just a little bit difficult.

It’s a big shift in thinking because when things aren’t going well, when things are unfair, when we want to blame people, it’s hard, we want to grumble, we want to get what’s due to us. But, the passage that we read a little bit before in the program, look how it starts. Firstly it starts with a slave, actually, and slavery is a tough thing and Peter writes:

Be good slaves to your masters, not just when your masters are good but to the bad ones. There’s no virtue to accepting punishment that you deserve but if you are treated badly for good behaviour and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God.

Boy, that turns everything on its ear, doesn’t it? Turns everything upside down and he says: “Look it’s not only true of servants, it’s true of Jesus.” This is what Jesus did! Was it fair that He got nailed to a cross for you and me? Of course it wasn’t but He suffered silently and sacrificed anyway. He said:

For this reason the Father loves me because I lay down my life in order to take it up again. No one, no one takes it from me but I lay it down of my own will. I have the power to lay it down; I have the power to take it up. I have received this command from my Father.

Jesus did it willingly and sometimes when life’s not fair, when the people closest to us are hurting us, when it’s a just a little bit ugly and we want to scream and buck, God’s calling us to just draw close to Him, just to say, “Father, it’s not fair at the moment, but I can’t change it. What I can change is, I can draw close to you,” and let Him cultivate that inner beauty which is so precious to Him.

But look at the next bit, “and the same goes for you husbands.” So he’s pointing back to the slaves, he’s pointing back to Jesus, he pointing back to the wife. He says, “the same goes for you blokes. Be good husbands to your wives, honour them, delight in them.” Boy, how many wives would just die if their husbands would delight in them?

Would just look at them and say, “you know, you are the most beautiful woman in the world,” and behave as though they delight in their wives instead of just watching television at night when they come home. I know wives who would give their right hands for that sort of attention from their husbands.

And Peter goes on to say, “look,” in fact, literally, he says, “ok, you may be weaker vessels, women, than the men,” and some feminist might say, “well, there you go, you know, the Bible’s being sexist again,” but I don’t see it that way and we’ll talk about it a little bit later. I see my wife as a precious, delicate vessel and men and women are different.

Men tend to be more emotionally kind of rough and robust and everything and women are delicate and wonderful and warm and kind and gentle in a way that sometimes we men aren’t. And so he says, “look, you know, you blokes do the same; honour your wives, delight in them.”

Let’s look at some practical examples. How can we do that? A wife who has PMT - you know, her hormones are playing up, every month, regular as clockwork - husbands, that’s not easy is it? I mean, you get to that time and your think, “oh, no, she’s scratchy again, she’s all over the place, she’s …” Husbands, listen to me. Jesus suffered silently, it wasn’t fair and it may not be fair that sometimes your wife has this happen to her, but it’s not fair to her either.

The same goes for you husbands, be like Jesus. Be good husbands; love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Be close to Jesus. Bear her weaknesses; feel her pain in your flesh and you know something, what happens to us? We develop that gentle and quiet spirit too; we develop that quiet assurance and confidence.

And what about a wife who is going through menopause? I mean, this is an emotional roller-coaster ride that goes on for months or years even. Where she’s just not stable sometimes, it’s very hard. Husbands be content to trust in God to set things right. Will we be there - will we be there and honour them and delight in them - just the same as if they were feeling wonderful?

Come on! This is real life, this is what happens and we want to withdraw; we want to pull back; we want to criticise; we want to say, “come on, you need to behave better.” Husbands love your wives as Jesus loved you and died for you. We are going to look as a couple of other examples from the other side of the fence.

God is in Control

Well, we are looking at practical examples of how we can deal with difficult people in our family environment. Well, wives sometimes your husbands might be reclusive and quiet and they don’t talk and you want to hear what happened today. You know, you want to say, “darling, what happened? Tell me everything that happened in your day,” and he doesn‘t want to do that. He wants to come home and spend half an hour watching the News and it feels like he doesn’t love you and it hurts - right?

How do you handle that? Do you nag him, do you give him that cynical look on your face, do you roll your eyes from the back of your head, do you close off, do you feel threatened? I mean, you are entitled, you should be, you’re justified. Sure it’s lawful, but it’s not helpful.

What do you do with what Peter’s writing about here? Do you say, “I’m going to draw close to God, really close and I am going to entrust my husband into God’s hand in prayer and be content to get my joy from Jesus and serve and honour my husband and encourage him.” You know something; nothing will open your husband up like encouragement and unconditional acceptance.

When he’s had his little time of rest and whatever, if instead of nagging and badgering him, you just quietly encourage him, this man’s going to open up. Psychologists will tell you that. Your beauty is a gentle and quiet spirit, firm and solid support. That is what’s going to impact your husband. There are husbands who don’t believe in God but they will be captivated by your life of holy beauty.

Husbands you realise you haven’t treated her as well as you might have; you haven’t treated her as an equal. Yeah, sure you’re the head of the house, but no, you haven’t been cherishing her. As I said before in the program, I think of my wife as just a beautiful, wonderful vessel, as Peter calls them here. You know, he talks about the male being the stronger vessel and the woman being the weaker vessel but in a sense of being more delicate, being more fragile, being more beautiful and I read that and I think, “yeah, a beautiful, beautiful vase on the mantle-piece, compared to some old bucket, which I am.”

Nothing opens her up more to her husband like letting her know, in everything that he does and everything that he says, that he cherishes her, that he values her, that he adores her, that he see her like that beautiful vase on the mantle-piece. That’s why the old wedding vow says, “love, honour and cherish’ from the husband’s side. She needs her husband to cherish her. Be good husbands to your wives - honour them and delight it them - cherish them.

And what about the child, maybe, that’s driving you nuts. A slow surly teenager, not delivering, good for nothing, lazy, disrespectful, sleeping in on the weekends, not keeping their room clean – I’m sure a few people know a few teenagers like that. I’m not having a go at teenagers by any stretch of the imagination, I was a teenager once and I remember what I was like. It’s a part of growing up and we sometimes look on the outside of teenagers - you know we look on them and we go, “You’re not delivering and you’re not behaving and life gets very adversarial and tense and parents and teenagers don’t talk. What do we do, how do we deal with that?

There’s a beautiful story in the Book of First Samuel, in the Old Testament, chapter 16, where the prophet Samuel comes looking to appoint a new king of Israel and he comes to the man Jesse, who has quite a few sons and Jesse brings all the sons and parades them in front of the prophet and the prophet looks at each one and some of them are tall and good looking and strong and Samuel says, “you know, I’ve looked at all your sons and I don’t see this king in the sons you’ve paraded. Have you got any more?” and dad, Jesse, says, “well, yeah, I do, umm. There’s the runt; there’s the little one but he’s out tending the sheep.”

God doesn’t look on the outside, God looks on the inside. God is not impressed with looks and stature and God says of the oldest son, “I’ve already eliminated him.” God judges people differently from the way we people do. Men and women look at the face, God looks into the heart and sometimes, with our teenagers, we look at their behaviour instead of looking into their hearts. So they go and get this young runt, this kid who’s out tending the sheep and that’s the one where God says, through His prophet Samuel, “this is King David; this is the one that will be King.” And Samuel anoints him as King.

Come on! God does things differently to the way we do them. God looks at the heart; God looks at the potential. Dad had preconceptions; he pre-judged his teenage kid. “Nah, he’ll never do, he’s just the little one!” How easy is it for you and for me, if we have kids, to pre-judge them? To look on what they deliver; to judge them by adult standards rather than kid’s standards or teenage standards. Come on - teenagers are teenagers. It’s a process of leaving childhood behind and taking on responsibility. It’s hard! Growing up physically, growing up emotionally, trying to become an adult, trying to sort all that out. Being a teenager is tough sometimes.

Why don’t we look at their hearts, why don’t we look at their potential? Why don’t we encourage them? Just five examples - a wife with PMT, a wife with menopause, a reclusive husband who shuts down his emotions, a husband who realises he hasn’t been treating his wife properly, a difficult teenager. I bet you can think of lots more examples, but the pattern is the same. When we are suffering at the hands of a difficult person who is close to us, we want to be the victim.

We want to tell them what’s wrong; we want them to behave the way we want them to behave. We want to insist on our rights. Come on, it’s not fair! But that’s not what Peter says; and that’s not what Jesus says. It’s not what Jesus did. Jesus went to that cross for you and me. What a fabulous model; what an amazing model; what a challenging model?

The Son of God went to the cross for you and me, they spat on Him, they beat Him, they reviled Him, they crucified Him. It was completely unfair, yet He bore my sin, my failures; He bore your sin, your failures in His flesh on the cross - the Son of God, that’s the model. That’s how we deal with difficult people, in love. And you know something, it hurts sometimes. It hurts a lot sometimes.

It’s not fair sometimes, but as we do that; as we draw close to Jesus, as we honour Him and honour those who are close to us, He’ll change us and as we commit these difficult people into God’s hands, He’ll change them too. He’s a good God. He’s a faithful God. He’s a God who wants blessing in your life and my life. Isn’t that awesome?