Emotional Health - Show Real Love & Compassion - with Erika and Shawn

The YOGI M.D. Podcast

THE STORY - by Erika

We go together

This isn’t another story about a misogynistic sociopath. There are far too many stories about individuals with that particular affliction circulating in the world right now. Although one of the characters technically fits the description of one, he is merely a preface, a context setter for the real love story. So let’s get that part of the story out of the way. I fell in love with and entered an exclusive committed long-distance relationship with a man I met in July of 2015 at the Essence Festival in New Orleans. The man looked great on paper…came from a good family, was an established physician and entrepreneur, and was a self-proclaimed “serial monogamist.” We intertwined our family and friends, and got into a groove of traveling back and forth on a monthly basis from California where I live, to Houston, Texas where he called home. As our relationship progressed and became serious, we developed plans for a real time relationship and set a date for him to relocate to California. Several months before the designated move date, he was arrested under a federal DEA indictment for conspiring to sell opioids for cash payments without medical necessity at a pain management clinic he had opened. He now had to get permission to leave the state, temporarily squashing our plan of living in California. I didn’t doubt his innocence for a second, and as the “ride or die” girlfriend supported him as his professional and legal battles ramped up, all the while living for that “future state” relationship that could start as soon as his challenges were resolved.

I trusted him totally and completely, so it goes without saying I was completely blindsided when almost three years into our relationship groove and my waiting game for a real time relationship, I received a call from a woman I know in Houston who had been contacted by his other exclusive, committed girlfriend of 3 years, who also lived in Houston. The other girlfriend saw a text message from me on his phone the night before and asked about me. When he became excessively defensive, she did her research and found a photo of me posing with the mutual acquaintance on Facebook, contacted her and he had officially been made. He had been leading two completely separate and intricately fabricated lives in plain sight and with complicit onlookers. Everyone in his circle had known about us, but us.

In a stupor of mortification, I called and confronted him. Even though I knew he was lying to me about her significance in his life, he reluctantly admitted to cheating and I dumped him immediately. I felt betrayed by everyone, and I didn't want to speak with her. I felt it would be way too painful for me to get the gory details until a friend said “Erika, you may want to speak with her because at this point it’s not about you or what you need to do - it may protect her from making a huge mistake.” I wasn't convinced, but I slept on it and to my own surprise woke up feeling compelled to try and connect with her…one woman to another.

Her name is Shawn. Too often women in situations like ours turn on each other, or group the other survivor in with the same emotions they have for the perpetrator. It’s a common equation on Real Housewife-esque TV shows: man two-times women + women find out = women want to throw glasses of wine in each other’s faces. Huh? Sure, the day I spoke with Shawn was one of the most heart wrenching and painful days of my adult life. We compared notes and traded receipts until I felt dizzy and wanted to throw up. He had lied to both of us up to the bitter end, and the depths of the duplicitous behavior, lies and betrayal was almost unfathomable. He was a master manipulator, lying and deceiving in ways I had never seen. She had plans to move in with him and they were preparing to get pregnant over the summer. When he told me he was going to therapy to work through some issues for us, he was actually going to couples counseling with her. He even had the minutia covered, putting out the picture of us during my visits, and hiding it when I wasn’t in town. During my last trip to Houston, he told me he had to work an overnight shift at the emergency room, but was really spending the night at her house to cover his tracks with her for going missing for so long. The night I learned these truths and countless more, I laid in a fetal position… on my living room floor… and cried, until I fell asleep. I felt jealousy and rage in ways I didn’t think were possible for me. Yet, in spite of all these very potent, real and raw emotions, at my core there was an anchor of deep caring and empathy for Shawn and a fierce protectiveness over us both. Her tenderness and kindness towards me communicated the same. I will never forget that as we shared photos and timelines through a flurry of screen shots, she apologized for having to show them, letting me know that she didn't want to hurt me but just wanted me to know she was telling the truth. I cried with relief when I read that. She wasn’t going to be another person who was reckless with my feelings. The qualities that our partner lacked by sheer definition of being a sociopath, - empathy, compassion, transparency, authenticity and vulnerability - we gave one another in spades from day one.

We began to talk every day by text and then by phone. We supported each other through the hand wringing and humiliating process of STD testing and shared our results because we had evidence that the “serial monogamist” was being intimate with other women in addition to us. I helped her find a therapist, and as women of strong spiritual faith and practices, we began to share learnings from our individual therapy sessions, spiritual teachings, and a book on reclaiming ourselves that we chose to read together. Soon, our communications had very little to do with him, and everything to do with the many things we shared in common, acknowledging our strengths, freedom and beauty, and gratitude for one another. He had co-opted parts of our personalities, values and interests, and played them out with the other so frequently that I came to realize that what I had liked most about him as a person, was actually her.

To this day, I am still working through the trauma, still having intrusive thoughts resulting from being an unwitting participant in a life that was a daily and endless lie and had me in a psychological vice for months following the discovery. And here’s the kicker…I have a doctorate in clinical psychology.

Exactly.

The self-judgment around how I should have known or figured it out sooner has forced me to use every tool I own from my training and personal development work to find peace and self-compassion. Shawn was the only person who could truly understand the level of embarrassment, loss, rage and betrayal I cycled through on a daily basis, so it seemed quite natural to gravitate towards her. Our friends have been understandably anxious about our friendship, and several have asked how we could develop such closeness with the one person who is the biggest reminder of each other's pain. And my answer is the same I would give for any relationship - good communication, honesty, tenderness, and boundaries. We were forthcoming and clear with one another about what felt safe to talk about, what wasn't and the overarching ways we wanted to support each other that felt healthy and healing. We have honored those verbal contracts. I can't think of a more restorative experience.

As I reflect on how we have showed up for each other, I feel immense pride. We rose to our highest selves in our darkest moments as an act of self-love and love for a woman who was a complete stranger when our worlds collided. Shawn's encouragement, vulnerability and validation of my experience has been the mirror that I needed to practice loving myself better, and the antidote to distrust. Her warmth has created the opportunity for me to open my heart and love someone in the midst of immense pain. At a time when I could have, and likely would have shut off my heart, I was beginning a platonic love affair with someone I now think of as my sister and dear friend. The true blessing that came from my relationship with my ex is that I was presented with the opportunity to observe and internalize new learnings about my strength, value and capacity in a deep way, and that I met and have traveled this path with her. It is remarkable how embracing our solidarity and inherent connections as women can be such a powerful agent for personal transformation when it matters most.

So this is where the real story begins – a story of sisterly love between two women who showed up for one another tenderly and fiercely. To this day, Shawn and I have never met in the flesh, never video-chatted, and we don't follow one another on any social media outlets. Perhaps we've naturally created these firewalls in our relationship to provide just a little distance from the weight of it all, or maybe that's just our sweet spot right now, and simply enough. After all, we're still re-envisioning parts of our lives, and it's early in the game (a game that we're definitely winning, I might add). Nevertheless, as the aftershocks have settled, we recently made plans to meet in person on her next trip to California. This real time reunion won’t involve any wine throwing.

There’s an African proverb that states: if you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together. We have a ways yet to travel on our recovery journey, but we will make it, because we go together.

Music:

The YOGI MD Podcast Theme Music by Lisette Kelly (bass and guitar), Maya Bishop (vocals), & Nadine Kelly (percussion); Produced by Tim Buell.