Ep34 - A Unicorn For Christmas (2021) "Discover the magic of Christmas" "Mom is getting frustrated at the lack of kombucha sales but Dad reassures her if they can get a petting zoo off the ground and they can get a kombucha stand off the ground. But I'm not exactly sure how they think they got a petting zoo off the ground because it's been exactly 3 days and also I'm not sure how those two things are analogous but whatever magic of Christmas or some b******* like that." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Ep 33 - "ThanksKilling" 2008 "Gobble, Gobble, Mother F*cker" " . . . So the jock decides to meet up with the gang at the Rednecks house minus the hoe to commiserate and have a beer cuz that makes more sense than calling the police or trying to stop the turkey or quit acting. The hoe however is at her house with random dude and … I’ll spare you the details, but it’s the turkey rape scene. A more disturbing moment has never been caught on Cinema before or after non-consensual ghost puppet poultry beastiality and this is supposed to be a comedy. Ever want to know what a turkey looks like having an orgasm? Boy then you are in luck. The turkey delivers the zinger “You’ve been stuffed” before putting her out of our misery . . . " Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Ep 32 - The Curse of Halloween Jack - 2018 "He's back for those who killed him" " . . . One year later, the Sheriff of Nottingham’s daughter is making his bangers and mash or spotted dick or whatever English people eat for breakfast … Oh wait, it's probably an English breakfast. When he gets a call that the victim's brother off'd himself at the site they buried Cain because he couldn’t stand being in such a terrible movie anymore . . ." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Ep 31 - Spirit Halloween (The Movie) - 2022 "Possessing theaters this fall." ". . . The boys hide inside the props of the store and wait to be locked inside at closing time. The seasonal Spirit Halloween store is well organized and fully stocked, with never-opened costume packaging … on Halloween night, instead of looking like a store that has been looted multiple times. No licensed costumes or costumes changed just enough to not be copyright infringement like Italian Plumber Man, Midweek Goth Girl, or Stabby Fist Sideburns Guy. At least the floors are sh*tty and dirty so that feels authentic . . . " Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Ep 30 - Retrograde (2004) "In the past... Lies our future" " Dolphy is being sent two hundred years in the past to prevent space bacteria from being unfrozen in Antarctica. Hey, wait a minute that’s this year. I’m sure that’s just a co-winky dink. It’s fine. It’ll be fine. With him is about a half dozen other people who are genetically superior, don’t worry one of them is a black woman, to make sure we don’t mistake them for nazis. It’s not like Dolph is short for Adolph or anything. Suddenly, all the future people wearing all-black motorcycle leathers mutiny on the half wearing black and red motorcycle racing leathers. A shootout ensues and soon everyone on Dolph’s side is dead, but he bravely fights his way into the cockpit. Heh, cockpit. There he shoots someone dead, and there’s a pool of blood under the dead body. I don’t mean he bleeds out. I mean in a fraction of a second a large human-sized pool of blood there, It’s fine though. Having borrowed the CGI software from the folks who made the Scorpion King, the spaceship, and … well … all of outer space leaves a lot to be desired. " Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Ep 29 - Cross (2011) "To stop an ancient evil, it's going to take big guns, hard sticks, and exploding balls." " ... So as any good police officer would do he yells at her and waves in her face until she wakes up, which works, even though we’ve already established she slept through a needle being put in her arm. She is understandably confused and asks “Where am I?” To which our detective replies, and this is a direct quote “Oh honey you’re in heaven, You're in heaven, and I’m god. Okay. Say hi god.” The actress at this point looks genuinely confused, and I like to imagine it’s because Sizemore went off-script. After all, he only did this movie as a favor and we’re not paying him enough to memorize lines or do a second take..." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Episode 28 - The Crawling Hand (1963) Astronaut Ordered Blown Up!!! " They frolic on the beach, and when he talks about marriage, she tries to run away, so he flings her around before tackling her, It’s supposed to be romantic I think. But she falls face down looking at a dismembered and not yet crawling hand and forearm, or at least it appears to be one inside an astronaut flight suit glove and sleeve. She’s understandably upset and wants to leave. Her Boyfriend wants to take it home with him, and believe it or not, she’s not on board with that idea. So he goes back in the middle of the night for it, That seems like an idea that will end well. But he wraps it up in a bag takes it home and puts it in his aunt's house’s pantry." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Ep27 - Future Kick (1991) "A personal quest for vengeance, a high tech race for survival" ... The head henchman goes rogue and kills his boss the corrupt police chief, and we’re into the final action sequence where our cyborg and the grieving widow take turns chasing and running from the head henchman and the second in command. Like all action sequences in this movie, calling this an action sequence is like calling speed walking a 100-meter dash. Our hero seems to have only one move kicking, and the villains seem to only know how to punch. It’s awkward and weird screen combat at its doofyist, and more importantly, robbed me of the chance to say “Everybody was king fu fighting.” When they give up on the hand-to-foot combat and decide to shoot at each other it’s obvious who’s getting shot, because the exploding blood packs are visible under clothing before they explode. All the other kids with their future kicks, are able to run, able to run faster than the bullets .... Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Butt Boy (2019) "Sometimes the only way out... is in..." " ... Our real hero however now finds himself inside Chip’s butt, a set that looks a lot like a random cave from an alien planet on Star Trek the next generation, but a lot more … fecal. Which is exactly how I always pictured the inside of my butthole. He quickly finds the missing child, the dog, and everything else Chip has put in his pooper. This brings up some rather interesting logistical questions like, what do they eat? The movie answers this question. I am not ..." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Day of the Warrior (1996) " The L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies Are Back!" "... There’s a great deal of this movie is spent moving from place to place. Whether it be by car, boat, plane, rollerblading, or even by foot no distance is too far to travel to exchange two lines of dialogue and then move on to the next location. At one point someone drives a jeep in a circle just to deliver a single line. It’s like they wanted to show off all the cool high-end luxury vehicles they could, and then realized they could only afford mid-range sedans, but went ahead with it anyway. The Warrior just sits around in his wrestling gear, and face paint, covered in baby oil, inside a wrestling ring, and runs his criminal empire, and then when he ever so briefly sits down at the computer, loses all personality. He attempts to remove some of his face paint, and on the right side of his face it’s already gone, but that does not stop him from trying to remove it anyway. No. three times, no. He then attempts to remove face paint from the left side and misses completely. He then tries to remove the non-existent face paint from his right side again. He then tries a fifth time to remove the makeup from his right side, then misses on the left again, before a sixth attempt to remove nonexistent face paint on the right side. Did he get baby oil in his eyes? What’s happening here? What are you doing? ... " Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Getting Lucky (1989) "Middlevale High has Cheerleaders, Jocks, Nerds ... and a Leprechaun!" " Turns out Lucky is pretty shitty at his wish-granting. Bill wishes for a date with Chrissy, which he gets and takes her to the drive-in. But Chrissy decides to bone the other dude in the back seat on her way to the bathroom and Bill then again interrupts them. Then Bill wishes for a Lamborgini and he gets a pinto. The quarterback of the basketball team is understandably pissed after being cock blocked twice, but Lucky decides to stand up for him by making him hit himself with his tennis racket before basketball class. Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself? And then he shoves it up his ass." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Win A Date With Tad Hamilton (2004) "In every love story, there's only room for one leading man." " ... So hot chick decides to enter said content and raise the $100 entry fee, with the help of her wacky friend. In a matter of 15 seconds, without even the aid of a video montage, she's achieved her goal. This mildly annoys Eric, but he doesn't say why ... oh the suspense. What could he possibly be thinking when he gives her that dreamy look, and then later mocks the idea of her dating someone, then writes her name in his notebook with hearts and stars and flowers? The movie isn't called "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" for nothing, so guess what happens next. Surprise! She wins a date, with ... are you ready? ... George Hamilton! I bet you thought I was going to say Tad Hamilton. Well, actually she did win a date with Tad Hamilton, but I wanted to demonstrate to the writers of the movie how to put surprises in your writing ..." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Horror At Party Beach (1964) "WEIRD! Ghoulish atomic beasts who live off human blood!" "... Do you ever find it annoying in musicals when dance numbers break out and everyone suddenly knows all the moves? Well, that’s not a problem in this movie, because the party beachgoers only kind of know the movies, and are in no way in sync with each other. I’m pretty sure one guy skipped rehearsals together. But the local motorcycle gang shows up to put an end to the lack of choreography. Our abusive alcoholic is making goo-goo eyes at the leader of the pack. Then she starts dancing with him, while the boyfriend goes off and flirts with some other girl. Either break up or go to couples counseling already. Our second musical number starts and it’s called the wiggle wobble. If you can imagine a dance move inspired by trying to shake a large dingleberry loose from between your butt cheeks, then you can imagine the wiggle wobble. Also, this movie claims to be a musical, but really they just have a band playing in several scenes and people dancing to it. I think musical is a bit of a stretch but whatever. This is more of a movie with music in it. ... " Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Trail Of The Screaming Forehead (2007) Who Can Sleep With Brows On The Prowl? "... Tonight’s Film Fart is “Trail of the Screaming Forehead” from 2007. Filmed in craniovision. And unlike some other cinematic cesspools I’ve reviewed here, this movie has faces you might recognize, like that guy who played the evil TV station owner in the Weird Al movie “UHF,” and that guy who played a cab driver on “Spencer for Hire” in one episode. Also, I think the bartender was in Gremlins. So the plot is clearly based on a fever dream based on a misheard lyric of They Might Be Giants. A sentient alien forehead is taking over people’s brains in the town of Longhead Bay. No, scratch that. Taking over people's foreheads, because people think with their foreheads, not their brains. The scientist, Doctor Shiela who postulated this theory thinks that the scientific community has rejected it, because she's a woman, and not because it's horribly, horribly stupid..." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Robot Monster (1953) "Moon Monsters Launch Attack Against Earth!" " ... A young boy and a girl are playing outside at what appears to be the Mayberry Rock quarry. The boy shoots his toy laser pistol at the girl and her doll. They run around and stumble onto two scientists who are removing random rocks from the wall of the mouth of a cave so they can send them to a museum. Because that’s how geology works. 'Here’s a random rock. Off to the museum, it goes!' My entire unpaved driveway is currently on display at the Smithsonian. The mother and older sister of these children run up apologize to the scientists for the kids bothering them, and then remind the kids they promised to take a nap after the picnic they just had. The kids reluctantly agree, after some gentle prodding by the younger scientist who has the hots for the older sister. They return to the picnic blanket, where the boy asks his mom, and this is a direct quote, “Say are we ever going to have a new father around our house?” What the absolute f*ck? Is the robot monster the name of the person who wrote the dialogue? “Are we ever going to have a new father around our house?’ Sure son, I’ll pick one up at five and dime on the way home from the market tomorrow. I think I saw a coupon for 10% off fathers in the Sunday paper ..." Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Doll Shark (2022) "Warning: Dying Hazard" There are two well-known tropes in the world of Horror Movies. The killer shark and the haunted doll. But what if, and hear me out now, we combine these two into one movie? I present the sh*tty cinema known as “Doll Shark” from 2022. The movie opens with a dude-bro with a sharp stick, standing on a poorly rendered CGI wooden dock in the rain, hunting stock footage of a shark in poorly rendered water. He kills the shark with the sharp stick, reaches into the now Halloween mask shark’s mouth, and pulls out a tooth. And as any good father would do, he stuffs it into a county fair softball tossing stuffed animal prize dissimilar enough from Baby Shark not to be copyright infringement and then mails it to his kid. The package arrives at the kid's house, where mom is half a bottle deep into wine o’clock. The kid loves the gift and sleeps with it that night. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Nude on the Moon (1961) " Man discovers a nature camp on the moon!" Odds are you’ve never of the 1961 movie “Nude on the Moon,” but if its name sounds familiar that’s because in 2002 the name was borrowed by the B-52’s for their double-disc CD anthology. Where this movie starts to go off the rails is when the scientists are ready to do their cosmic thing. You see they don’t want to attract a crowd so they don’t tell the press they’re going to the moon. This allows them to take off from their private Idaho. And because building spaceships, even prop ones, we don’t even get to see the outside of the ship except from extreme close up, or extremely far away. On the way to the moon in the sky (called the moon), both of them spontaneously fall into a deep sleep. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Carne: The Taco Maker (2013) The 2013 film “Carne: The Taco Maker” is the story of Don Taco and the delicious tacos he makes. Don Taco sells his delicious tacos via street cart on the streets of Beverly Hills, California. It's a bit of a local institution, and while everyone loves his delicious tacos, it’s said that the taste varies from person to person. That joke will pay off later, I promise. Except for the occasional heckler who accuses him of serving up Beverly Hills Chiuwua, no one bothers to question where the delicious taco meat comes from because that’s kind of a weird thing to do. Except for the local health inspector, whose job is to do that, he only questions it when the answer is a bribe. But as it turns out, they should be questioning “Where’s the beef” is because that’s not beef. It’s something sinister. It’s people! Soylent Tacos are made of people!!! Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell! (2014) You haven't a hop in hell! There is no explanation for this bald-faced, snaggled-toothed giant rabbit; it just shows up on the doorstep like an Amazon Prime subscribe and save purchase. Our protagonist is a bitter second-place runner-up for dog catcher of the year. This is the saddest excuse for a rivalry in a movie, action, or comedy category. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Cowboys vs. Dinosaurs (2015) "Let the Best Species Win" The movie is set in present-day Montana, so unfortunately, the titular Cowboys are the modern-day rodeo type and not the Wild West type. This is disappointing, but not as disappointing as if it were the starting lineup of this year's Dallas Cowboys. The movie opens with a mining company blowing up something in the mine and releasing velociraptors who straight up kill everyone in sight. It is fantastic that they’re playing to their strengths here and not bothering with any of that pesky backstory or plot. We cut to the local but unofficial swimmin’ hole, where four young ladies have decided to go swimming. It’s like they’ve never even seen a killer shark movie to know how much danger they’re in. Or maybe it’s the irresistabable appeal of the cool water in the tropical heat of Montana in early fall. After talking for about thirty seconds, one of them, Sky, announces that they have to go to work and then leaves, taking their only vehicle. Seriously, what was the plan supposed to be here? Luckily, a boyfriend-type person had shown up, so the other girls stayed, and after splashing in the water for a bit, they all got disemboweled by a velociraptor. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Invasion Of The Bee Girls - 1973 "They'll love the very life out of your body!" We cut to a pastoral grassy countryside with rolling hills when a naked dude pops up behind the hill. Before I could even ask, “What da fuq?” a very naked woman on a dirty dirt bike rolls on up. They embrace and roll around the grass long enough to create a crop circle. And being bang, boom, buzz, and he's dead. Then, another dead body shows up. Then another. And another. Eventually, 8 bodies over 3 days. So they have to call a press conference to announce that all these men have died of sexual exhaustion. I believe the technical term for this is Death By Snu Snu. Also, based on the sex scenes later in this movie, men reach complete sexual exhaustion after 3 minutes tops. That kinda stings. As a warning to the straight men out there, if your woman makes a buzzing sound when she’s aroused, she’s gonna kill you bee woman style. Or she has a vibrator. One of the two. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

I Was a Teenage Wereskunk ( 2016) “It will scare the smell out of you.” Who’d have thunk he’d be a teenage wereskunk? This is the question the theme song asks, and the answer is absolutely nobody. Absolutely no one in this movie passes for a teenager either, like … not even close. The film is set in the 1950s, and I think some of these actors were actual teenagers in the 1950s. One guy is so noticeably not a teenager you’d swear the casting agent thought they were shooting a porn set in a high school. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Breakin' 2 : Electric Boogaloo - 1984 " If you can't beat the system...break it!" In the first "Breakin’" movie, they rocked down to Electric Avenue. In "Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo," they will take it even higher. The 1984 movie "Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo" has the rare honor of being a movie that is only famous for its name. This is a shame because it should be remembered as Ice-T’s big acting break. The movie stars Adolfo 'Shabba-Doo' Quinones as Turbo, Michael “Bugaloo Shrimp” Chambers as Ozone, and Lucinda “Smart Enough Not to Have a Nickname” Dickey as Kelly. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Monster Brawl (2011) "It's the fight of the living dead!" As a rule, a movie’s quality drops by 20% for every professional wrestler in the cast. The obvious exceptions are Andre the Giant in "Princess Bride," Hulk Hogan in "Rocky III," and Governor Jessie 'The Body' Ventura in "Predator." But with this rule in mind, this movie has a 100% drop in quality from casting alone. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

National Treasure - 2004 " In order to break the code, one man will have to break all the rules." The movie is “Ernest Saves the DaVinci Code,” but not quite that smart. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Hercules Reborn - 2014 "A Fallen Hero Rises Again" Starring John Hannigan, aka John Morrison aka Johnny Nitro, aka Johnny Mundo, aka Johnny Impact, aka Johnny TV, aka Johnny Caballero, aka Johnny Blaze, aka Johnny Elite, aka Johnny Fusion, aka Johnny Hardy, aka Johnny Spade, aka Johnny Superstar, aka Johnny Jacob Jingle Himmer Schmitt Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Tammy and the T-Rex (1994) "He's The Coolest Pet In Town!" Starring Denise Richards and Paul Walker Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012) "He emancipated the slaves... he saved the Union... and slaughtered the undead!" Tonight’s moronic movie is Abraham Lincoln Vs Zombies from the Asylum. That's actually the studio name, the asylum, not where they live … I don’t think. So the movie starts with an event left out of the history books, as momma Lincoln apparently was a zombie, and rather than kill her, poppa Lincoln shot himself, leaving a 9-year-old Abe to kill momma with a scythe. Frankly, if that had been taught in my history class in high school, my grades would have been much better. So according to this movie, four score and seven minutes later, Abe was brought forth upon a most excellent adventure. Soon after the Battle of Gettysburg, zombies began to rise, and unlike most zombie movies, it’s not a scientist trying to warn the government about zombies; the commander-in-chief has some unique insight into the zombie problem. This highly unique insight into the zombie problem is that zombies exist. And the 16th POTUS plans on killing as many of them as possible with his trusty child-size scythe. This is a helpful plot point to distinguish this movie from the much more popular Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Chatterbox (1977) "She talks with her what?" Tonight's Film Flop is the 1977 film “Chatterbox.” To summarize the plot of this movie in a manner that's podcast-friendly... It's about a woman who discovers one day that her box can chatter. When she says, “Read my lips” it really is a multiple-choice question. Her Va-jay-jay has a lot to say-say. Anyway, her chatterbox has a mind of its own, and has a lot to talk about, and is as sassy as Rip Taylor, who incidentally co-stars in this movie. Apparently, Virginia the Vagina also has ambitions of a singing career, so hijinx ensues as the singing career takes off. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…

Trump vs. The Illuminati (2020) "The ultimate battle." Tonight’s CGI cinematic stinker is “Trump vs the Illuminati.” The year is 3024, and the earth was destroyed 1000 years ago when Donald Trump started a nuclear war. The last survivor of the human race lives on Mars, and he’s a Chinese-made exact clone of Donald Trump, except he’s immortal and has huge hands. For … uhm … reasons he’s become the center of the war been The Illuminati, who are aliens led by Allister Crowly, who sounds suspiciously like the Mark Hammil joker, and the Atlanteans (or possibly Atlanta-ians, it’s unclear if they’re supposed to be from Atlantis or Atlanta) who are also aliens, lead in part by Van Helsing. As the last human alive, Trump spends most of the film darkly brooding, narrating his life and pondering the meaning of existence. He monologues a lot. The Illuminati monologue a lot. The citizens of Atlanta monologue a lot. Alister Crowley and Van Helsing make constant sex jokes. At one point, he challenges the Illuminati to a dance-off and does his best Napoleon Dynamite impression. Send us a text Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed, & Starring Allen Smithee Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing, & Music Allen Smithee Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando MakeUp Crayola Catering Soylent Corp Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2: Electric Boogaloo (((0))),/\,/\,/\ ,/\,/\,/\,(((0))) SilverScreenCesspool.com Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspool Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool…